Things Babies NEED

There are certain things that a newborn human infant (hereinafter "Baby") simply cannot do without. These are not the same things that a previously born human adult (hereinafter a "Real Person") cannot do without. In fact, the list of Baby necessities and the list of Real Person necessities do not overlap, and this divergence is telling. For example, it is a "fact" that each Real Person needs a sexy car. This fact is beyond debate, and I know this because I myself am a Real Person, do not have a sexy car, and will be dead by noon. A Baby doesn't need a sexy car because a Baby has bratwursts where its legs should be, and lumpy meat appendages are poorly adapted to "putting the pedal to the metal" which is the whole point of having a sexy car.

Babies' needs fall into three broad categories: food, clothing and shelter. Wife says they also "need" love, but that's a stretch. They may "want" love, but life is not all beer and skittles, little one, and the sooner you learn to love yourself the better.

As far as I can tell from my credit card bills, here is a partial list of Baby necessities:

Food (part I): binkies, binkie attachments, bottles (breast is best -- I soooo totally agree!), burp cloths, breasts (did I mention that they are "the best"?), breast pads, nursing bra, nipples (real and silicone -- until we can afford for the "real" ones to be replaced with silicone), gas drops, pizza, etc.

Clothing: lots and lots of clothes. Need I say more? Apparently, they grow like bamboo.

Shelter: Crib, 17 blankets for crib, fitted sheet, sheet protector, sheet protector guard, sheet guard guard, crib bumper, more blankets, stroller, car seat, car seat docking station (for back seat of non-sexy car), dangling toys for car seat, not to mention the nursery itself.

Food (part II, sequels always suck): Changing table, changing table pad, changing table pad cover, changing table pad cover cleaner, changing table pad cover cleaner holder, diapers, butt paste, butt creams (various), baby powder, more diapers, diaper genie, diaper caddy, wipes, wipe holders, wiper blades (non-sexy of course, for non-sexy car), diaper bag, moooore diapers, and diapers.

By the way, on the subject of diapers, what exactly is the point of putting little pictures of Sesame Street characters on diapers for newborn Babies? The only person who would actually care to look at Elmo is the Baby herself, and she's the one person I guarantee can't see him. Given that her visual universe will consist of the 12 inches directly in front of her face, I don't see how she would possibly care what is printed on her own *ss. I'm the one who has to change her diapers, and given the gruesome contents of said diapers, I should get to look at something that I enjoy! If I have to stare at what appears to be a cross between a melted snickers bar and a quarter cup of half-chewed olives, the diaper itself should have a picture of a midget getting kicked in the nuts by a vicar or of Gisele Bundchen degreasing my oven (don't judge me).

I'm just sayin'.